im seeing that when im stressed i write in here alot! like its my way of getting everything out wheather thats a good thing or not is still to be decided...

i'm trying not to think about it but i just cant stop... well like i do for about 10 mins but then like i get bored with that im doing and i think about it again! really really really not a good thing! so now i think i should just give up... i think its a good idea... i dont want anyone to mad at me for like holding them up or anything so i guess ill just let everyone else be happy... im a people pleaser and ill get over it in time im not one to hold on for a long time when i know there is no chance of it happening! i dont know what to

my stomach still hurts! that cant be good can it? ahhhhh stress

last night cried myself to sleep... this morning woke up and was like damn my stomach still hurts... thought abt it all day and my stomach still hurts right now ... like i just think of what he said and im like wow im so pathetic he really likes her why should i even care but i do and it hurts but yeah im in a depressed mood right now and i dont know how im going to get myself out of it .... this shit NEVER happens to me ... im never like this ....



ahhhhh and jody yeah she had sex! way to make my life even more worse

Person S has been a hot topic for everyone lately... mostly because it's really strange ... like i dont wanna get hurt and i dont want anyone else getting hurt and im just really stressed over this because i would rather see person s and the girl happy together then all 3 of us unhappy because no one wants to hurt anyone you know? its difficult to deal with right now because i feel really overwhelmed ... like so much that my stomach hurts and i feel like im going to throw up ... and i dont know if its just because of all of it or just because i really do like him that much... i really hope its not because i like him that much because then i would pathetic... ahhh and now i feel like crying this sooo isnt me ... im never like this ... i think i need help... and im guessing it doesnt help that i hear him talking abt her all the time and how great she is ... because i already know how great she is .....



stress overload and im thinking abt this shit way to much and i really wish i wouldnt have to but he is one of the few great guys left and i just want her to have him bc i know how much she deserves the best ....

Seriously... That word is WAY OVER USED! Please people think of another word ... u know like seriously! haha

have i told u how much i HATE working at the christmas factory? its such a stupid job... like 8 hours of checking out people its sooo horrible and it doesnt even pay well and i was just told that after christmas i will be working less then i already do like maybe once a month! what suck is that?!?! ahh way to make me hate the job more then i already do

i was just told by ashley that this entry have to be LONG because she needs something to read

but i really have nothing to talk about

lets see right now im listening to john mayer i love him :-) he is great great great
and last night i watched drive me crazy... i love that movie... it made me think of jeff and me ... its kinda the same but different i dont know maybe im starting to go back to my old feelings for him but probably not

last night i had this really strange dream like really out there it was beyond strange but i dont know a better work (probably because i cant spell lol) (ashley remind me to tell u tomorrow) it was really out there ... but really entertaining

so now abt the person i like (or think i like) i wanna give him a name ... i think it will be person S(ashley and jeff helped pick out the letter) but anyways im still really confused ... like when i see him all i do is think abt him and it last most of the night but when i dont see him and im talking to gordo im like wow we are so great for each other (me and gordo) but then i see person S and im like damn he is hot compared to gordo and has a better personality then gordo but i dk maybe i should just go back to joe ? he is the total package too and i wouldnt have to worry about anything like i have to with person S... you know?!?! hmmm interesting right?

my lines for english ... im never going to remember them but oh well i hate her anyhow .... poor ashley and charissa stuck in that class for another 3 months! ahhh haha

i dont know anymore...now im confused again ashley did make since when she said last night that if i didnt really like him i wouldnt have cried when i had to hear him talk abt that... but i did cry so maybe i do really like him? but i feel really bad because he likes her not me! and why would he want me? im ugly and im fat! and of course she is the total opposite she is pretty and skinny but what am i to do? i just hate rejection and i dont wanna feel like i am not good enough... i just need attention from a guy right now ... im hitting a low spot :-
Ryan got his car today thank god ... now we can hang out more ...

tomorrow i have to go to a wedding fun fun i guess?!?!

i hope my ashley gets better ... because yeah its boring in school without her! i love my ashley! :-D

OMG ASHLEY JUST SENT ME THIS GIRL WHO HAS MY NAME AND ASHLEYS NICKNAME! i really dont think this girl wants to live! its so ashley and me thing! how could someone use that?!!?!?!?!!? hmmm i dont strange tho right? because like no one have my name and ashleys nickname! ahhhh way to ruin my night girl!

so i am not hooked on the song stacys mom between ashley ryan and me singing it ... its like the only song i hear... its really funny tho

me and ashley had another great afternoon together! haha its pretty fun we are always together! we are the eptiome of best friends! (ohhhh i used a vocab word! go me go me) haha

so ashley now knows who i like (well im not sure if i like him or just talked myself into liking him but either way she knows) she kinda already knew i just tried to play it off tho ... see i just dont know anymore im not sure if i really want a boyfriend or just like the point of saying i do ... thats messed up right? i think so but i really dont think we would ever work we come from 2 different worlds but oh well im ugly and fat so i dont need to worry abt attention from any guy because im not pretty or skinny enough ahhhh why cant i be a normal teenager!?!?!

hmmm today was pretty good school went pretty fast (for once)... then i went to ashley's house after school and ryan came over and we hung out for like 2 hours we went to wawa and walmart and then we saw ANTHONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg the things i would do to that man! haha


so i no longer like him... i cant ... it would make me a bad person... ashley u know who it was now? yeah it really doesnt matter ... i dont have to like him and i think i just talked myself into liking him i dont know i guess ill just go back to Gordo... im always pretty happy when im around him... i just want things to work out for everyone so if that means not liking him that will mean not liking him ahhh what a fucking night lol

yea so tonight Ashley, Chrissy, Jeff, and I went to the cornmaze! we totally sucked at it! we only got 3 out of the 8 lol sucky right? ahhh but of course jeff got 5 out of 8

Chrissy is such a sweet girl! i never would have known because i never really hung out with her before... she is really nice!

yeah so i think i like someone ... its bad thats all i have to say...im NEVER TELLING ANYONE ANYTHING! so dont ever ask!

Yeah so this is ashley... typing because chariss is lazy... "Ryan is my hero" lol she's so odd... She's talking about Brownie her fake dog and singing Material Girl... She just killed her dog... hmm what madonna song should we put on now? We're gonna listen to Vogue and she's doing the hand motions... she's so stupid... "Strike a Pose" lol

Yesterday, apparently, some guy went around the mall following her and Diana... and Ryan saved the day... lol Yeah and she should like jeff... cause they would be cute together... when i see you smile i go... oh oh oh... This is what dreams are made of! lol Sorry

I dont know what to write!

Right now i should be studying vocab because i SUCK at it but instead im sitting upset because FRIENDS is a repeat!

tomorrow is the meeting for winter sports! im sooooo happy this means the start of my favorite thing! BASKETBALL! The guys and the games and the friends and everything the late nights and rides home (they are ALWAYS the best!) ahhh basketball! im so happy i have basketball and even happier that because some people arent doing it i will be less stressed this season! unless someones girlfriend shows up! haha

Gordo... i no longer have feelings for him in that way! but give me a little while im sure they will come back ahhhhh .... i started thinking about Joe again which is VERY bad i think around this time every year i start thinking abt him which is bad bad bad because i never see him ... i saw him like 3 or 4 times over the summer and i still have these really stong feelings for him... IT SUCKS but he is hot hot hot!

Ashley is still confused... and im guessing no matter how hard i try to get them together it wont work... until she is ready ... WHICH NO ONE HOLD UR BREATHE FOR THAT... i just want her to be happy with someone other then him but i dk ... whatever makes her happy i guess! Ryan is a great guy thats all i have to say lol

Saturday i have to take the PSAT's and go to the corn maze or like ashley calls it "the maze of love" haha

BASKETBALL YAY! tomorrow will be great just knowing that i get to go to the BASKETBALL meeting! haha

hmmm i dont really know what to say... nothing really big is going on at all! OMG I JUST LEARNED LIKE 10 SECONDS AGO .... JASON CANO IS MOVING ON SATURDAY! damn i didnt think he was leaving so early i thought he would wait till after basketball! what will the basketball season be with out him!?!?!?!!?
gotta run write more later

i havent written in a while and someone keeps bugging me to write it in i wonder who that could be ashley?!

but today Ashley Ryan Jeff and I went out... we first went to the mall and then to the crossings and then to Ruby Tuesdays for dinner, and im still speechless on how the day went... like no word can sum it up.

ryan is a really great guy... i think my ashley needs someone like him! they are really cute together and of course ryan can drive which makes it better for me and ashley! hmm before i started writing i had all this stuff to say about this subject but now that im writing and talking to ashley at the same time im forgetting it all lol hmm not good

im still sick not fun i wanna feel like chariss again ... see i left out the A too just like everyone else guess its the new trend ashley made

its going to rain tonight! and tomorrow we are going to get high winds and on Saturday i have to take the PSAT's and then after then to the CORN MAZE! i keep waiting for it i hope it happens this weekend! hahaha :-)

Today was the day i never thought would come... i never wanted it to come i would have done anything to make this day not come... Rocky my puppy that i have had since i was 3 1/2 my bratface ... got put to sleep at around 2pm ... i never thought it could be so hard to put him to sleep maybe its because i didnt think he was ready ... i swear when he looked at me right b4 they did it his eyes told me that he wasnt ready. He wasnt ready he just wanted to come home with us. its the worse feeling i keep thinking that he is just at the vets over night and he will come home and everything will be fine but he isnt coming back and i just cant get it in my mind its horrible


Rocky 1991-2003 RIP i love you

im now at home not my aunts house i havent been here for over 2 years on a school night...its really weird i dont know what to do its strange! its totally different from aunts i kinda like it better there but im not goin back for a while. during basketball i have to go back tho because my mom thinks its easier for her bc she wouldnt have to come back out at 10-11 to pick me up...

this year has been the best so far! now that i say that everything will probably go downhill but i really think it is! i think its mostly because i now know the people who are my REAL friends! i am so happy i found that out before senior year! now senior year can be the best! i have my best friend (girl) CHA CHA aka Ashley and best friend (guy) Jeffrey! its pretty cool!

so my best friend ashley who is totally confused abt this guy! he is really nice and sooo funny! he has a great sense of humor just like ashley! im really hoping it will work out for her if she decides to go ahead with it! but if not then she will find someone equally great i hope! so she doesnt have to say OH CRAP (like when she walks out infront of a car! hahahahahhahaha) and everytime i say that i swear to u she just has to pee right after i say it! its too funny!

OH CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!

poor AJ's varsity jacket! :-\

the song of the day and well song of ashleys party is...

I love myself i want you to love me
When i feel down i want you above me
I search myself i want you to find me
I forget myself i want you to remind me

I don't want anybody else
When i think about you i touch myself
Ooh i don't want anybody else oh no, oh no, oh no

You're the one who makes me come running
You're the sun who makes me shine
When you're around i'm always laughing
I want to make you mine

I close my eyes and see you before me
Think i would die if you were to ignore me

A fool could see just how much i adore you
I get down on my knees i do anything for you

I don't want anybody else
When i think about you i touch myself
Ooh i don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no

I want you i don't want anybody else
And when i think about you i touch myself
Ooh, ooh, oo, oo ahh

I don't want anybody else when i think about you
I touch myself ooh i don't want anybody else
Oh no, oh no, oh no


YEP YEP WHEN I THINK OF U I TOUCH MYSELF! thanks for that song Ryan!

Ashley's party was the bestest! haha some people didnt show but oh well it was better with out them! haha im so mean...after the party was the "ever party" more or less bowling condoms and mall lol! we all had a great time! ashley finally got her scrap book that she has been waiting for haha poor thing now i get to wait for mine for christmas! i just better get one! :-)

so i really really really dont trust jody... she and ashley are now emailing each other and i know that she will fucking lie to try and make sure that me and ash arent friends and its horrible because she has this way of making people believeing her even if she is lying through her ass (which she does just to get her way) now it may sound like i hate her or something and yes i probably do but im just soooooo tired or being the one that ALWAYS get screwed over

my poor dog isnt doing well at all he can hardly walk and its only going to get worse because the damn meds. dont work anymore which sucks really bad but he isnt in pain which is good!

yeah so i dont think i like gordo anymore he is kinda making me mad ... like i dk i think i should just move on with someone that i can really get but since i really cant get anyone there is no use anyhow... ahhh isnt life grand? not really right? haha

so its finally october... and if i remember correctly from last year that means it national have sex month haha ... isnt that fun? now everyone has a reason to get laid! haha

saturday is ashleys birthday party... she is already 16 as of monday but the party is saturday... i get out of work so im happy :-) ... her party should be really fun if everyone shows up thats suppost to! and afterwards we are going to the corn maze its going to be me and ashley and 4 guys! fun fun :-\ i guess u never know with ryan and mark what might happen! haha

this week at school because of homecoming is spirt week and tomorrow is make ur own shirt day! its pretty fun me and ashley made shirts and then i made ryan and mark ones too.... mine says... on the front...go cavs i love ryan,bob,gordo,and mark and then #40 and #52 and on the back it says ... boots #89 and NO PAIN NO GAIN! YEA BABY! hahah i should have added that! the yea baby part haha

so gordo is confusing as normal... i dont think i have met a guy so hot and cold... one day its like YAY he sooooooo wants me and then the other day its like OMG he is never going to like me .... ahhhh i hate guys like that but i have gotten used to it because Joe was the same way (joe murphy).... omg now that i say his name i miss him soooo much we were soooo great for each other and he is such a sweet guy i dont know why i never opened my big mouth and told him damn i miss him.... ahhh why did i have to say something abt him :-\ ahhhh i think im going to have to give him a call soon!


i have to hurry up and finish ashleys scrapbook by saturday i hope i can do it! i really do! i have like 10 pages left maybe more maybe less but i hope i can pull it off! i need help!

its soooooo cold ... like really really really really cold i have pants a sweat shirt and socks and im still cold and my hands are like frozen! not a good feeling

well night night